“You might be United Methodist if . . . “


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You might be United Methodist if you raise your hand and promise your pastor that you have read the 17th chapter of Mark as part of the introduction to a sermon on truth telling. (Note: Mark only has 16 chapters. You might be United Methodist if you did not know that).

You might be United Methodist if for lying about reading Mark 17 you promise to read the entire book of Hezekiah the following week. (Don’t look in your Bible. It ain’t there. However, if it is you might be United Methodist).

You might be United Methodist if you think “The Upper Room” is a counseling center for persons hooked on diet pills.

You might be United Methodist if you think “acolytes” are some kind of fat free wafers served during Holy Communion.

You might be United Methodist if you think “Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego” is the name of a rap group from Detroit.

You might be United Methodist if you think “the Bishop and the cabinet” is a chess piece and a cupboard in which to store it.

You might be United Methodist if you think “liturgy” is some kind of obsessive/compulsive disorder having to do with an inordinate need to trash the church parking lot.

You might be United Methodist if you have to ask what Chapter the 23rd Psalm is in!

You might be United Methodist if you ask who wrote the Lord’s Prayer!

You might be United Methodist if your Bible still has the cellophane wrapper on it!

You might be United Methodist if you think that tithing is “a Baptist thing.”

You might be United Methodist if you can quote liberally from Paragraph 71F of the Book of Discipline but look for the Book of Hebrews in the Old Testament.

You might be United Methodist if you find “the Discipline says” rolls off your tongue faster than “the Bible says.”

You might be United Methodist if the only time a door-to-door visitation takes place is during the annual financial pledge campaign.

You might be United Methodist if you truly believe that membership in the Nominating Committee Class of 2000 is a position of power.

You might be United Methodist if you truly believe a resolution to Annual Conference concerning balancing the federal budget .. . would actually cause the federal budget to be balanced.

You might be United Methodist if you know that the Wesley Quadrilateral is not a secret SMU football play.

You might be United Methodist if you recognize “Moses” as one of the three stooges — Larry, Curly, and Moses.

You might be United Methodist if you think “fat of the land” is a phrase you consider and disregard as you walk into the Baskin-Robbins store.

You might be United Methodist if you think of Garfield as the “magnificat.”

You might be United Methodist if you think “tithing” is that “skinny” piece of fabric men wear knotted around their necks (tie thing).

You might be United Methodist if you think Gideon wrote the Bible.

You might be United Methodist if you think “confirmation” means reserving a place at the weekly church dinner.

You might be United Methodist if you think “Lent” is something you brush off your clothes or having to do with allowing your neighbor to use your lawn mower.

You might be United Methodist if you think “tithing” means wearing a tie to church at least 5 or 6 times a year.

You might be United Methodist if you think “stewardship” is a boat for butlers.

You might be United Methodist if you think “Emmaus” is computerese for “E-mail us.”

You might be United Methodist if you think that “Relief” is a group of reserve pitchers for the local church softball team.

You might be United Methodist if you think “quiet as a church mouse” means the church computer control doesn’t make any noise.

You might be United Methodist if you think “Homily” is some kind of vegetable from which you make grits.

You might be United Methodist if you think “security of the believer” is a term used in the church to indicate the endowment committee’s interest in your stock portfolio.

You might be United Methodist if you think “Grace” is the first baseman for the Chicago Cubs.

You might be United Methodist if “Parable” (pair a bull) is what you see when two Methodist ministers are seen discussing the success of their year’s end pledges.

You might be United Methodist if “Pentecost” is what you try to avoid because you think the preacher is talking about money again.

You might be United Methodist if you believe “Kingdomtide” is a holy laundry detergent which will wash your sheets “whiter than snow.” (Especially formulated for those with an aversion of being “washed in the blood of the lamb.”!)

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3 thoughts on ““You might be United Methodist if . . . “

  1. Pingback: And My Heart Broke … « Walking in the Wilderness

  2. Pingback: Thought for the Week « Walking in the Wilderness

  3. Pingback: What Does a Methodist, a Surgeon, and a Latino from Mexico have in common? « Walking in the Wilderness

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