A Notice From Your Pastor

“I’d like to inform the congregation this morning that, from now on, we’ll no longer be having a Sunday sermon. I’ve noticed that my messages have been making so little difference that it really isn’t worth all the hours it takes for me to prepare them or for you to sit there and listen to them. Next week, we’ll go straight to the closing song and get to the restaurants before the crowds.”

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

A woman approached the minister after the sermon, and thanked him for his discourse. “I found it so helpful,” she said.
The minister replied: “I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach.”
“Why, what do you mean?” asked the astonished woman.
“Well,” said the minister, “that sermon lasted you three months.”

One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
“Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one you have chosen.”

And finally ~

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!”


2 thoughts on “A Notice From Your Pastor

  1. Have you posted this one, or have I told you this one yet?

    A preacher chose “Temperence” to be his subject for her sermon one Sunday morning. After preaching about the evils of alcohol for almost an hour and getting quite worked up, she ended her sermon by shouting, “I want to get all the liquor and POUR IT IN THE RIVER!” to which the congregation replied with a resounding “AMEN!” She continued, “I want to get all the WINE and POUR IT IN THE RIVER!’ which the congregation responded the same. Finally, “I want to get all the BEER and POUR IT IN THE RIVER!” The congregation, now as worked up as the preacher, erupted in uproarious applause among calls of “AMEN!” and “HALLELUJAH!” The preacher, sensing that the congregants had sufficiently gotten the message, stepped away from the pulpit and allowed the music minister to come take her place. A bit white-faced, the music minister stepped up to the mike and said, “Would you all take out your hymnals and join us for our closing song, ‘Shall We Gather By the River.'”

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