It’s another Monday …

Today has been a bit of a challenge for me as I mourn for my son, remember my brother, and feel the pain of betrayal from people who call themselves members of God’s church. So, what does that mean for me and the blog? It means: no inspirational story, thoughts or quotes for today. Inside my head it is too dark tonight.

Instead I leave you with this ~
Grief is deeper than any human thought and the betrayal of unconditional love excels  Continue reading

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Monday MAdnEsS ~ Loving Memories

This morning I had the usual breakfast meeting with the usual suspects (fellow clergy) and friends. At one point in our boisterous conversation, amid the laughter and the jokes, we had a quiet moment of reflection as many of us thought of a dear sister in Christ who has gone home to be with her Lord, our Lord. Most of us had only heard of her diagnoses of cancer a few weeks ago and are shocked and numb at how quickly she was gone. Some of us knew her quite well and have a deep ache in the heart. Others sitting around the table this morning were briefly touched by her sweet spirit but also have an ache in heart.

This has made me pause and think. How will people remember me one day?

Fifteen+ years ago my little brother died. To this day I have people contact me and tell me of some small way Continue reading

You are my Son, my Beloved

Posted Jun 16, 2006 7:57pm

Matthew went home to our Heavenly Father today shortly after noon.

His passing from this world was quiet and peaceful. Matthew had his mom & dad and his brother & sister surrounding him, loving him, and lifting him in prayer as our goodbyes were said.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” ~ Revelation 21:4

My heart is breaking with the memories that are tearing through it. It’s been 5 years since you left us and not a day goes by that we don’t miss your smile, your personality, your presence. We love you Matthew and you are …
Always in our Hearts

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In Memory of My Son

Dear Friends,

25 years ago today, Matthew was preparing to come into the world. What an exciting and joyful day that day was! The birth of our first little boy. He was so wanted and his birth was so greatly expected. He was truly a bundle of joy.

1046 weeks; 7,323 days; 175,728 and some hours ago Matthew died. Yes, we count the years, the months, the weeks, the days, the hours and the minutes. We live in the awareness of our broken family.

When one embarks on the path of mourning a child, new experiences and feelings pop up constantly to suprise you. One of the feelings that I find amazing on this 5th birthday since Matthew has been in his premature grave is this: Birthdays are infinitely more difficult than death days. It is expected that you will feel sad on the anniversary of the death, but birthdays are supposed to be times of celebration. Continue reading

It is hard

It is hard

To forget

To apologize

To save money

To be unselfish

To avoid mistakes

To keep out of a rut    

To begin all over again

To make the best of all things

To keep your temper at all times

To think first and act afterwards

To maintain a high standard

To keep on keeping on

To shoulder blame

To be charitable

To admit error

To take advice

To forgive

But it pays!

 

‘Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgement you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. ~ Matthew 7:1-2

Today is a tough one

I’ve been doing a lot a reading and bunches of remembering. Not always a good combination for me this time of year. In my reading I have tried to find advice on learning to move on through my grief. Or so I thought. It seems that the more I read, the more I realize that what I want to do is actually forget my grief and not remember it. This is not possible I have discovered.

I’ve read accounts of amputees who have phantom pain in their missing limbs. It seems that is one way to describe what I feel. You see, a part of me is missing and I can still feel that part in my movements through the day and through my memories. When I make plans to go out shopping, I instinctively think about where my family members are and when they will be arriving home. Then the pain washes over me as I remember Matthew is not here.

Posted Jun 10, 2006 6:28pm

Yesterday we found out that the judge presiding over Matthew’s SSI claim for disability has made a ruling. We have not been told if it was in Matthew’s favor or not. The attorney believes it is. We should find out in a few more days, but it may take up to 2 weeks for us to be notified.

In the meantime, Kim and Pat went home last night to be with Stephanie and Zachary and to try to get some rest before this next difficult week. Today Zachary and Stephanie came to the hospital to spend some time with Matt. It was hard on all involved and many tears have been shed with the knowledge that many more will be shed as we begin the grief process.

Matthew has had his sedation medication reduced by half again today, but has not been able to wake up. His body is tired and fighting some major infections. If he is able to tolerate the reduction in the sedation again tomorrow, we will do that again. This is to help him be weaned from this med and the ventilation tube. After that, we hope to keep him comfortable with pain management medication until he and God decide it is time for him to go home.

We appreciate your prayers and love for each of us, and thank you for respecting this time we spend together as a family.

Now, let me share a few things with you. Please be kind enough to not offer me trite sayings that disguise themselves as words of comfort. Pray for me. Pray for all of us. But more importantly, if you knew Matthew – even for a day or a single moment – share your memory with me. Tell me about his laughter or his funny remark to you. Tell me about his stubborn refusal to do what you asked of him. Tell me about the blank stare he gave you during a conversation. But don’t pity me and give me words that make you more comfortable in moving on.

I hope you understand that I was blessed beyond measure to have been able to be Matthew’s mom and my heart is missing a piece while he is away from me. My comfort is found in hearing the memories that you have and knowing that he is not forgotten.

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out, O my soul cries out

My Soul cries out to You
My Soul cries out to You
to You, to You